Despite my history with partners who cheated, beat me, and wrestled any piece of self-worth in me to the ground — I still choose to believe that men inherently are GOOD and valued and needed.

It would’ve been easy, justified, even to write men off.

To build an identity around being the woman who survived men.

To only see red flags, to expect betrayal, to trust no one but myself.

But here’s what I learned after years of heartbreak, humiliation, and being gaslit into questioning my own worth: If I wanted a different experience with men, I had to stop letting my past sculpt my identity.

Because identity is sneaky. It’s not just how you see yourself. It’s what you expect from others. It’s the lens that tells you what’s possible, what’s safe, what’s familiar and sadly, sometimes, what’s “normal.”

And my normal used to be:

• Pain = love.

• Distance = mystery.

• Unavailable = exciting.

• Kindness = suspicious.

But something in me cracked open. Not all at once. Quietly. It whispered: You don’t have to carry this.

And I chose , yes, chose , to believe something radically different: That men could be good. That I was worth being treated well. That love didn’t have to hurt.

And that choice? It reshaped everything.

Suddenly, I noticed the man at the post office who held the door without expectation. The older gentleman at the café who smiled with warmth, not threat.

The friend’s brother who asked questions and actually listened to the answers. Strangers, friends, colleagues ,I saw good, kind men everywhere.

Not because they weren’t always there.

But because I finally believed I was someone they’d show up for.

That’s the power of identity. It’s not just an internal thing it bends reality around you and focuses your brain on what you decide to focus on.

I stopped dating with a chip on my shoulder. I stopped leading with my wounds. I stopped scanning for danger and started looking for dignity.

And eventually no magic, no magical manifesting, just me walking the talk — I met a man who wasn’t just good. He was safe. Solid. Present. Kind. Not perfect. But emotionally available, consistent, and proud to choose me.

And I want you to know this: You are not crazy for still wanting to believe. You are not naïve for desiring love that doesn’t leave you anxious. You’re not “too much” for needing to feel emotionally safe and seen.

But your identity, your deep inner story about who you are and what you can expect will shape whether you keep reliving the same heartbreak or create a whole new experience of love.

You don’t have to fake optimism. But you can choose a belief that serves your future instead of your fears.

That’s not weakness. That’s power. And I know you are a powerful woman- let's bring this power into your relationships! Curious about how you show up in relationships?

Take The Relationship Assessment

Discover the unconscious emotional identity guiding how you show up in love, family, friendships, and beyond and what needs to shift so you can feel valued, secure, and emotionally seen HERE