Why I believe Women Struggling In Love Must Take Responsibility for Their Happiness (And Why I Teach This to My Daughters)

I believe in personal responsibility. I believe in emotional maturity. And I believe that if women truly want to experience deep, secure, fulfilling love, they need to stop playing the role of the victim in their dating and relationship lives.

Before you react, I urge you to read on as this means it’s for you and i get it, its hard to hear and I’ve been there...

But let me be clear: I am not dismissing the very real pain and trauma that many women have experienced. I know first hand the devastation of toxic relationships and the damage they can cause. 

But I also know that healing and happiness begin the moment we stop waiting for external circumstances to change and start focusing on our own transformation instead of complaining and blaming.

This is why I teach these principles to my 13- and 17-year-old daughters. Because I refuse to send them into the world unprepared, believing that love is something that simply "happens" to them, or that they are powerless in their own romantic experiences. 

The Uncomfortable Truth About Relationship Patterns

Let me start with something that might raise eyebrows: many women who consistently find themselves in unhealthy relationships are often unknowingly, active participants in these patterns, not merely innocent bystanders. I know this as I was one of them.

This isn't about victim-blaming, it's about recognising our power to choose differently.

Some women set themselves up by ignoring the red flags men clearly show, staying in relationships they know are unhealthy, and even behaving in ways that are perceived to be emotionally unstable, narcissistic, or abusive themselves, while still playing the victim and blaming men for not choosing them when they themselves are the red flag- you think men don’t look for these things too?

How many times have you seen a woman chase after a man who has openly told her he does not want commitment? 

How often have you witnessed women demanding honesty, yet vilifying men when they give them the truth? 

How many women lash out, control, manipulate, or emotionally punish their partners, yet refuse to see their own contribution to their relational struggles?

I've counselled countless women who:

• Ignored clear warning signs in early dating stages...

• Stayed with partners who openly stated they didn't want commitment the attacked their character for wasting their time...

• Tolerated disrespect repeatedly, then expressed shock when it continued...

• Refused to examine their own toxic behaviours in relationships thinking they could treat men how they wanted...

• 
  

These patterns don't happen in isolation. They reflect choices, often unconscious ones, that we make repeatedly based on our beliefs about ourselves and our identity and just as importantly, our unresolved wounds.

The Difference Between Being a Victim and Living in Victim Consciousness

Being a victim of abuse, betrayal, or heartbreak is one thing. 

But staying stuck in victim consciousness is a choice. It's a mindset that says, "I have no power here. It's all happening to me. Men are the problem. Love is impossible. Relationships are unsafe."

This is why I do not work with women who refuse to take ownership of their role in their dating patterns. I do not work with women who find a problem or someone to blame for every solution.

Instead, I work with women who are ready to take their power back. 

Women who are tired of the same exhausting cycles and are ready to rewire their emotional patterns so they can soften and empower themselves with healthy love.

To be absolutely clear: acknowledging personal responsibility doesn't excuse or diminish harmful behavior from others. Men who manipulate, deceive, or abuse are fully accountable for their actions. 

Nothing a woman does "causes" or justifies mistreatment.

However, I've observed a concerning pattern in our cultural conversation around dating:

On one hand, we rightfully call out manipulative, dishonest, and harmful behaviour from men. 

This advocacy is essential and has helped countless women recognise and escape dangerous situations.

On the other hand, we sometimes hesitate to examine how women's choices, beliefs, and behaviours contribute to recurring negative patterns. 

This reluctance, while well-intentioned, ultimately disempowers women by casting them as perpetual victims without agency.

The most radical truth I teach my daughters is this: You are always choosing.

You choose who you give your time and energy to. You choose whether you stay in a situation that does not serve you. You choose whether to heal, grow, and evolve or to stay stuck in patterns that do not work.

The most liberating moment in my own journey came when I stopped asking, "Why do men keep doing this to me?" and started asking, "What am I doing that keeps me choosing these men and staying in these situations?"

This shift isn't about self-blame, it's about self-empowerment. When we take responsibility for our choices:

1. We recognise our power to walk away from situations that don't serve us

2. We become more discerning about who we allow into our lives

3. We develop the confidence to state our needs clearly

4. We stop expecting others to "fix" our happiness

5. 
   

I teach my daughters that their happiness is their responsibility not something to outsource to a relationship or partner and I teach my clients the same.

Breaking the Cycle With Our Daughters

My approach with my daughters has evolved as they've grown:

With my 13-year-old, I focus on building self-worth independent of external validation. We discuss recognising healthy friendships and setting boundaries, foundational skills that will later apply to romantic relationships.

With my 17-year-old, our conversations are more direct. We discuss specific dating scenarios, how to recognise behaviour that does not align with her and what to do about it, and when to walk away from situations that compromise her values. Most importantly, we talk about taking ownership of her choices rather than blaming others when things go wrong.

Neither approach involves teaching them to be suspicious or fearful of men.

Instead, I'm teaching them to be confident in their worth and discerning about who deserves their time and emotional investment whilst honouring who they are.

The Methodology Behind Transformation

For women ready to break free from destructive patterns, acknowledging personal responsibility is just the first step. The real work involves:

• Recognising and rewiring unconscious attachment patterns

• Developing emotional regulation skills

• Building genuine self-worth independent of relationships

• Learning to identify and communicate boundaries effectively

• Understanding the difference between intuition and fear

This journey isn't about hardening yourself or becoming cynical. Paradoxically, taking full responsibility for your relationship choices allows you to become softer, more authentic, and more open to healthy connection.

If you are done with the painful cycles, if you are ready to shift into a love that feels secure, joyful, and nourishing, my methodology will help you rewire and transform your relationship with love.

I'll be transparent: my approach isn't for everyone. I don't work with clients who:

• Refuse to examine their role in recurring patterns

• Find someone to blame for every situation

• Are committed to seeing themselves as having no power in their circumstances

This isn't because I lack compassion. It's because transformation is impossible without personal accountability. You cannot change what you refuse to own.

There is no empowerment in victimhood. There is no freedom in blaming. And there is no personal growth in seeing oneself as helpless.

The path I'm advocating isn't about harsh self-criticism or denying the reality of harmful behaviour from others. It's about compassionate accountability, recognising that while we can't control others, 

we have tremendous power over our own choices.

When we teach women they're helpless against the behaviours of men, we inadvertently reinforce the very disempowerment we're trying to fight against.

To my daughters and to all women: You deserve relationships that honour your worth. 

But that journey begins with honouring yourself enough to take full ownership of your choices and patterns. Your happiness truly is your responsibility and that's the most empowering truth I can offer you.

It starts with responsibility. It starts with the willingness to say, I am the common denominator in my experiences. And that means I also have the power to change them.

This is what I teach my daughters. This is what I live by. And this is what I teach the women who work with me.

Ready to make some changes so that you can have the love you deeply desire and deserve? Send me and email and let's talk!

And, if you have enjoyed this content and would like to receive more content like this, feel free to subscribe to www.samanthahyam.com (it's free) where i will teach and guide you to your best version of love x

Samantha Hyam